Question for all and sundry about present giving

[lexin]

I've asked my colleagues and they've gone 'hmmmmm', so I turn to you as the founts of all knowledge and wisdom.

The reason behind this question is that I'm confused; my aunts and uncles never gave me presents so the question never arose with me. (This was due to a family contretemps involving my parents which I won't go into here but was labyrinthine.)

But it occurred to me that my nephews are 18 this year and should be each their own man soon. So do I carry on giving them presents at Christmas and birthdays or don't I? I don't know what the rules are here, or even if there are any. I have no intention, btw, of stopping without mentioning it to their parents.

Poll #12772 Presents for nephews

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: Access List, participants: 14

How old should my nephews be before I stop giving them birthday and Christmas presents?

18
1 (7.1%)

21
0 (0.0%)

working in paid employment
4 (28.6%)

something else I will explain in comments
7 (50.0%)

never stop giving them birthday and Christmas presents
2 (14.3%)

Comments

[bethbethbeth]

Our family worked sort of this way: kids got gifts from various relatives until they were of high school age, at which point only the closest relatives (not even all the aunts and uncles) continued to give gifts, although at this point, generally money.

Money gifts continued for birthdays and Chanukah (in our family), but the value was fairly small. More money gifts (or other gifts) were given for special occasions (high school graduation, receiving a degree, getting an interesting job, engagement), but the gift giving drifted away as the kids aged, and by the time they moved out of their parents' home, gifts were only given by immediate family and any living grandparents.

On the other hand, I still give my best friend's sons (both in their twenties and living in their own places) birthday and holiday gifts. If you feel really close to the boys and have money to spare, keep giving gifts. If it's a financial burden or you've drifted out of close contact with them or whatever, then feel free to stop. There's no law...give what you want, unless there's a real question of need at stake, in which case you might decide differently.

[lexin]

Ah, that's useful to know. Thanks.

[aunty_marion]

I think Mum used to send cards (though not presents, because there were 25 in my generation...) to nephews & nieces till they were (at first) 21, then 18. I think for their 18th they might have got a small cheque as well.

[lexin]

I think my parents used to send cards and presents to my cousins before the contretemps, but not after. And they were very much older than me and my brother.

[shezan]

Do they give you presents?

[lexin]

No, never have. Nor, in fact, thank-you emails or cards. I think I once got a 'thanks for the cheque' on facebook from one of them.

[shezan]

I think you've got your answer, then!

[watervole]

If they don't thank you, then forget it!

[clanwilliam]

As others have said, that's your answer.

[dancing_serpent]

Uh, difficult topic. I never got presents from uncles/aunts and I don't give presents to my nephew. Some of my father's family do it like that: nephews/nieces/(grand)children get presents as long as they are all unmarried/without children. So it's always the youngest generation that gets presents. My grandmother stopped giving presents to us grandchildren when the first great-grandchild arrived, for example.

[lexin]

That's interesting. I think they're a while away from having children. I hope so, anyway.

[watervole]

Personally, I stop around 18, though I think it's relevant to consider how many of them there are and how often you see them.

As you don't have children, you might want to carry on for longer if you're close to them, but that's entirely up to you. (you might opt to go for great-nephews and nieces instead once they appear)

[lexin]

I'm leaning towards stopping at either 18 or when they're in employment.

[coughingbear]

My parents gave presents to all my cousins until we reached about 18. Since then, my mother tends to send a cheque to one of my cousins, who is her goddaughter, for her birthday and Christmas, and only get something (small) for the others if she's going to be seeing them around their birthdays or Christmas. One particular cousin lives near them and they are close, so he usually does get something. Birthday cards still happen for everyone, I think.

[coughingbear]

Just to add to this that the two particular cousins who get presents, give presents back. Usually, at least!

[lexin]

That's interesting and useful, thanks.

[kaz]

I think this is going to be really, really family-dependent, tbh, depending on how close you are (ETA: and how many of you there are - I have a very small extended family, it seems) and also the gift-giving tradition in your family and culture.

I don't think I've gotten Christmas/birthday presents from my one aunt + uncle since I was in my teens? In fact I'm not sure I got them regularly in my childhood because there was this ginormous ocean in the way and sending us stuff was kind of costly. At the same time, that aunt and uncle generally drive down to visit us on the 26th of December and bring presents for everyone then. (Which is also partially a hospitality gift - I think Germans make a bigger deal of that than Brits, or maybe it's to do with the different social circles I inhabit in both countries). My other aunt has lived with my parents since I was thirteen or so and we get each other presents every Christmas.

My immediate family has also discussed stopping gift-giving for holidays as a tradition entirely, because we're all very bad at it and my parents buy us a lot of stuff through the year anyway. So I guess we don't have that much attachment to the custom anyway.

And I give presents to my niece on Christmas (and will probably start on her birthday as well), but she's five so this is a very different situation!

[lexin]

I gave them physical gifts when they were younger, but since they've become teenagers it's been a cheque.

Thanks for all this, very useful.

[krait]

In my family, it seemed to operate on a staggered scale -- presents up to 16/18ish, then small, more token gifts during university age. Presents stopped once you were out of school/gainfully employed, but at that point you could join the annual Christmas name exchange/begin giving gifts (no gifts were expected from the underage or students), and so receive presents in turn.

Thanks, however, were certainly expected at every stage, and omitting them would have likely resulted in my mother telling the unthanked relative not to bother next year.

[lexin]

That's useful, thank you. The lack of thanks does grate!

[starlight2463]

If they are not appreciative of the gifts enough to even thank you than that is your answer. They do not deserve a gift. I do not believe in the giving of gifts as an obligation. One gives a gift when one wishes to do so. You see something someone you care about would love etc.

[lexin]

The lack of thanks does grate, I have to say.

[lyorn]

Leaving aside their incompetence in showing appreciation for gifts...

I'd say, "Until in paid employment". Because in general, until then, there's always something they need and can use, after that, they can buy it and giving them gifts becomes a hassle.

That said, in our familiy only direct line relatives give gifts, unless the receiver is younger than eight or so.

[lexin]

I'm currently leaning towards either 'at age 18' or 'in paid employment', with no decision reached as to which.

[willidan]

I give fits to niece and nephew until they're old enough to reciprocate or at least old enough to realize that they should say thank you and acknowledge my existence beyond their birthday month and Christmas.

[lexin]

That's interesting, thanks. The lack of appreciation does grate, to be honest.

[gattagrigia]

Thank you for asking about this, the discussion has helped me clarify my feelings toward my nieces and nephew (29, 26, 23 years old respectively). We've drifted apart over the last years and I've not given prezzies for Christmas or birthdays for a couple of years now. I hear nothing from any of them, no communication, and it's not like they don't know where I live! So I'm going to quit beating myself up about it and acknowledge that they are self-supporting adults now.