Lexin

My friend julianj2 copied a press notice to his friends (of which I'm one) from the RSPB reminding us all to feed the birds in the winter, and talking of cold snaps in the future.

One of his other friends sent him the comments below, which he forwarded to me in the hope that they would cheer me up a bit. Which they did.

What he wrote was this:

To add to what I e-mailed you earlier, my father and I are issuing our garden birds with the following conditions in accordance with current government codes and practices in order for them to receive full feeding benefits:

1. All garden birds are expected to work longer hours in the clearance of garden pests, i.e., slugs, most snails, any insects that they might find, even in and under winter conditions in order to receive issued full birdseed and fatball benefits.

2. As government research has shown that most garden birds are now living longer, they will now be expected to work in the garden for more years than previously required, also to receive feeding benefits, and if they expect to draw a full pension.

3. Garden birds who regularly use our garden for feeding purpose's, will be expected to show that they do indeed use our garden for feeding over those services provided by our neighbours. Any bird who cannot provide this evidence will have their feeding benefits withdrawn for a period of as little as three weeks or up to three months, as we see fit.

4. Garden birds that wish to feed in our garden must sign on at a local "Feeding Centre Plus" for them to receive full feeding benefits in our garden, and be able to prove that they are indeed needful of using our feeding services.

5. Any garden bird found to be abusing the services provided by us in any way, will have all their feeding benefits withdrawn, and disciplinary action may be taken.

6. Any bird that is taken back on after such action has been taken, and then goes on to repeat offend, will be dealt with extreme prejudice - i.e., they can and will be given over to the tender mercies of the local cats.

I'm sure you agree, that tells those scrounging birds!

I was walking to work the other morning when this bloke walked past me. He was on his mobile and just as he drew level with me he said, "But what about the woman in the cupboard?"

Er…what?

And the real tragedy is that I'll never now find out what about the woman in the cupboard.

Damned with faint praise

My brother took his kids on holiday to Cornwall. Camping. That was obviously his first mistake. He was round at my mother's with his sons, telling my mother about their holiday when one of his sons said, "It was fun some of the time, Dad."